How to Avoid Obsessing When You’re in the Talking Stage

The talking stage — that in-between place where you’re intrigued by someone new but haven’t officially “dated” yet — can feel like a rollercoaster. You might be excited, hopeful, curious, and at the same time nervous, uncertain, or even overwhelmed. It’s a delicate balancing act. And the hardest part? Staying grounded when your brain wants to go a hundred miles an hour, scripting conversations, imagining what they’re thinking, or checking their Instagram 50 times a day.

Let’s be real: if you’re building a connection with someone mostly in your imagination, that’s not love. That’s anxiety. Obsessing over every little detail, wondering if they like you as much as you like them, or overanalyzing every text isn’t helping you build a genuine connection. It’s creating a fantasy based on fears and hopes, not reality.

So how do you avoid falling into the comparison trap with your thoughts? How do you stay sane and centered during the talking stage? How do you keep your self-worth intact and maintain a life full of purpose and joy, independent of who you’re talking to? Let’s break it down.

1. Mute the Fantasy: Stop Scripting Conversations and Stalking Their Instagram

One of the most common pitfalls in the talking stage is overthinking — especially replaying conversations or scripting what you wish would happen. You know the feeling: you go to bed thinking about what you said, what they said, what you should’ve said, and what you hope they’ll say next.

Then there’s the social media rabbit hole. You find yourself refreshing their Instagram or Facebook, scrutinizing every story, every like, every comment. “Why did they post that?” “Who’s this person they’re hanging out with?” “Are they interested in me or not?”

This kind of mental looping is exhausting. And the truth is, it’s not about them — it’s about your mind trying to create certainty where none exists yet.

The antidote? Stick with facts, not fantasies.

Ask yourself: What do I actually know about this person? Not what you hope or imagine. What have they said or shown you directly? What have you observed in person or during your conversations? Facts.

This simple shift grounds you in reality. It helps you avoid the spiral of anxiety and keeps your energy available for things that actually matter.

2. Shift Your Focus: From Them to You

When you obsess over the talking stage, your thoughts often revolve around what the other person is thinking, feeling, or planning. Instead, make a conscious effort to turn that focus inward. Ask:

• What am I feeling right now? Am I anxious? Excited? Hopeful? Confused?
• What do I want from this connection? Am I looking for fun, friendship, something serious?
• What are my boundaries and deal breakers? What’s important to me in a relationship?

By paying attention to your own feelings and needs, you start to build emotional clarity and self-awareness. This helps you communicate more honestly and avoid losing yourself in the process.

3. Check Your Self-Worth: Stability Comes From Within

Here’s a crucial point that often gets overlooked: You don’t need to chase clarity or validation from someone else. You don’t need their texts or their attention to feel whole or stable.

Real stability — the kind that makes you confident and calm during the talking stage — comes from within.

So how do you build that inner stability? Focus on your own life:

• Pursue your goals and priorities. What’s important to you? Career, education, creativity?
• Invest in your friendships. Your support network matters — friends who lift you up and keep it real.
• Maintain a healthy routine. Working out, eating well, sleeping enough — physical wellness affects emotional wellness.
• Try new things and explore. Keep the adventure alive, whether that’s traveling, new hobbies, or discovering cool spots in your city.

When your life feels full and vibrant, you naturally become less dependent on someone else for your happiness or clarity.

4. Put the Phone Down and Romanticize Your Own Life

It might sound simple, but this step is a game changer: Put the phone down.

Scrolling and refreshing someone’s social media creates noise in your mind. It fuels the fantasy and anxiety. It pulls you out of the present.

Instead, try this: romanticize your own life. Celebrate your day-to-day. Make your own life so interesting and joyful that you don’t feel the need to obsess over someone else’s.

What does that look like?

• Treat yourself to your favorite coffee or meal.
• Spend time in nature or your favorite cozy spot.
• Journal or meditate on your personal growth.
• Plan small adventures, even if it’s a walk in a new neighborhood or trying a new workout class.

When you make your own life feel magical, you’re less tempted to pin all your energy on someone else.

5. Manage Expectations: It’s Too Early to Have Any

You just met this person. Maybe you’ve talked a few times, maybe you’ve met once or twice. It’s way too early to set expectations or make assumptions about what the relationship should look like.

Remember: You don’t know each other yet.

Don’t let the excitement fool you into thinking you have all the answers or that this person will completely change your life.

Just because someone entered your life doesn’t mean you should forget your own life before them. Your goals, friends, hobbies, and routines still matter. In fact, they matter more because they are what keeps you grounded.

6. Texting Less Is More: Save Energy for Real Connection

Texting can be a blessing and a curse in the talking stage. Sure, it’s nice to stay in touch. But texting too much early on can:

• Create pressure to respond quickly.
• Lead to misunderstandings or overanalyzing tone and intent.
• Take time away from your goals and priorities.
• Waste energy better spent on face-to-face connection.

A good rule of thumb? Keep texting light and casual. Don’t feel the need to respond immediately or carry on long conversations daily. Use texting to set up in-person meetings — that’s where real connection happens.

7. Forget Society’s Dating Rules and Games

There’s a lot of noise around dating “rules” — who texts first, who should make the next move, when to respond, how long to wait, and so on.

Here’s a secret: those rules often add unnecessary stress and confusion.

The best approach? Follow your gut. If something feels right, go for it. If it doesn’t, don’t force it. No need to play games or overthink small details.

Remember, you’re building a connection, not winning a competition.

8. Find the Middle Ground: Neither Obsess Nor Reject

When you start feeling overwhelmed, it’s tempting either to obsess or to shut down completely and “let go” before anything even starts.

Instead, aim for balance:

• Don’t obsess over every detail or text. Keep your thoughts in check.
• Don’t prematurely reject the connection. Stay open, but grounded.
• Keep your focus on becoming your best self. Build your life, your goals, your happiness.
• Be prepared, not desperate. Be ready for whatever unfolds, but don’t try to control the outcome.

Timing is everything, and honestly, no one really knows what’s best except your intuition and the natural flow of life.

Bonus Pro Tips: How to Stay Grounded in the Talking Stage

• Practice mindfulness: When you catch yourself spiraling, pause, breathe, and bring your attention to the present moment.
• Journal your feelings: Write down what you’re feeling without judgment. It helps you process emotions and gain clarity.
• Set boundaries: Decide how much time and energy you want to invest in texting or thinking about this person. Protect your mental space.
• Stay busy: Dive into hobbies, work, friends, and new experiences. The busier and happier you are, the less room for unhealthy obsessing.
• Talk to trusted friends: Share your feelings without turning it into a fixation. Sometimes an outside perspective is exactly what you need.

Final Thoughts

The talking stage is just that — a stage. It’s a chance to get to know someone new while also learning about yourself. Don’t let anxiety or fantasy cloud your experience.

Stay grounded in facts, focus on your feelings and needs, create your own stability, and keep your life vibrant and full. Follow your intuition, ignore unnecessary dating rules, and remember: real connection happens naturally when the time is right.

Keep your center, trust your journey, and most importantly, don’t lose sight of who you are in the process.