Toxic Love Is Addictive—Here’s How to Break the Cycle
Toxic relationships are a painful and frustrating experience that many of us, unfortunately, know all too well. Sometimes it feels like no matter how hard we try, we find ourselves drawn back into unhealthy patterns, partners who hurt us, or cycles of drama that never seem to end. But why is that? What is it about toxic relationships that creates this almost magnetic pull, even when we know deep down they aren’t good for us?
On the We Need to Talk podcast, dancers, hosts, and relationship commentators Karen Hauer and Paul Bronson delved deep into this question. Their conversation illuminated an important psychological concept known as repetition compulsion, which helps explain why people become addicted to toxic relationships and how we can begin to break free.
In this post, we’ll explore what repetition compulsion is, why it makes toxic relationships feel familiar and even “safe,” and most importantly, how to work on healing these patterns for healthier, more fulfilling connections.
What Is Repetition Compulsion?
The term repetition compulsion comes from psychoanalytic theory, originally coined by Sigmund Freud. It describes a pattern where individuals unconsciously repeat certain behaviors or emotional experiences—often harmful or painful ones—in a way that feels almost automatic.
Karen and Paul explain that when it comes to relationships, repetition compulsion means that we tend to be drawn to the dynamics we know best, even if those dynamics are unhealthy or damaging.
Think of it this way: our brains are wired to seek familiarity and predictability. From childhood, we learn what “normal” looks like in relationships based on our earliest experiences. If those experiences involve conflict, instability, emotional neglect, or outright toxicity, then those patterns become our internal blueprint for love and connection.
Later in life, even if we crave peace and emotional safety, our subconscious pulls us toward relationships that mirror what we know—because familiar patterns feel “safe,” even if they hurt us.
Why Toxicity Feels Familiar and Safe
It may seem strange to say that toxicity can feel safe, but this is exactly what repetition compulsion is about.
Karen Hauer shares how many people who grew up witnessing their parents in toxic or volatile relationships end up replicating those dynamics in their own lives. It’s not because they want to suffer, but because it’s what feels normal.
When you’ve experienced a certain kind of emotional environment growing up—perhaps frequent arguing, unpredictability, or emotional withdrawal—your nervous system learns to expect that level of stimulation. It becomes your baseline.
If someone presents you with calm, steady, and healthy love, your brain might actually perceive it as unfamiliar or even uncomfortable. This unfamiliarity can trigger anxiety or a subconscious urge to return to the known pattern, which can be chaotic or toxic.
Paul Bronson emphasizes this paradox, noting that people often unconsciously push away the calm and safe because it feels foreign. Meanwhile, they are drawn back to the drama and dysfunction because it resonates with their internalized experiences.
The Role of Early Family Dynamics
Karen and Paul also highlight how early family dynamics play a huge role in shaping our adult relationship patterns. If you grew up in a household where love was conditional, inconsistent, or expressed through conflict, your brain’s map of “what to expect in love” is skewed.
For example, if your parents were often in a cycle of fighting and making up, or if emotional needs were ignored, you might unconsciously seek out partners who replicate those patterns. The highs and lows of a toxic relationship mimic the emotional rollercoaster you saw or experienced as a child.
This phenomenon helps explain why some people repeatedly choose partners who are emotionally unavailable, controlling, or volatile—they are unconsciously seeking to resolve old wounds or recreate familiar feelings, even though those feelings cause pain.
Why Do We Push Away Healthy Relationships?
If familiarity explains why toxic relationships pull us in, why do we push away healthy, stable, and loving relationships?
Karen and Paul explain that when people are conditioned to expect drama, chaos, or emotional unpredictability, peace can feel unsettling. Stability and calmness don’t match their internal blueprint, so these experiences can feel “too quiet,” “boring,” or even threatening because they don’t trigger the familiar emotional responses.
Paul describes how this discomfort can cause people to sabotage or leave healthy relationships—even if they consciously want to stay. It’s a subconscious defense mechanism rooted in survival instincts from childhood.
In essence, peace feels unknown and scary, while toxicity feels recognizable and—even if painful—safe in its familiarity.
How to Break the Cycle of Toxic Relationship Addiction
Understanding repetition compulsion is powerful because it shines a light on why toxic relationships can feel like an addiction. The good news is that awareness opens the door to change.
Karen and Paul share several practical steps for working on these patterns and healing relationship wounds:
1. Develop Awareness and Self-Reflection
The first step is simply noticing your patterns without judgment. Reflect on your past relationships and identify recurring themes—do you often find yourself in drama-filled or emotionally distant partnerships? Have your childhood experiences shaped your expectations of love?
Awareness helps you become the observer of your habits, rather than being controlled by them.
2. Understand Your Emotional Blueprint
Take time to explore your early family dynamics. How did your parents or caregivers model love and conflict? What messages did you receive about being worthy of love and safety?
Understanding these roots helps contextualize your patterns and allows you to begin rewriting them.
3. Challenge the Fear of Calm and Stability
When you find yourself uncomfortable with peace or rejecting a healthy relationship, pause and ask why. Sit with the discomfort instead of running from it.
Practicing staying present with calmness retrains your brain to accept safety as your new normal.
4. Set Boundaries and Protect Your Wellbeing
Learning to set and maintain boundaries is crucial in breaking toxic cycles. Boundaries protect you from harmful behaviors and create space for healthy relationships to grow.
Start small—say no when something doesn’t feel right, and practice self-care that supports your emotional health.
5. Seek Professional Help and Support
Healing deep emotional wounds often requires professional support. Therapists or counselors trained in trauma and relationship dynamics can provide guidance and tools for change.
Support groups and trusted friends who encourage growth and self-love are also invaluable.
6. Practice Patience and Compassion
Changing unconscious patterns is not instant. Be kind to yourself as you learn new ways to love and be loved.
Celebrate small victories and recognize that healing is a journey, not a destination.
Final Thoughts: Healing Is Possible
The magnetic pull of toxic relationships can feel baffling and defeating, but it’s rooted in something deeply human: our need for connection and our brains’ craving for familiarity.
Karen Hauer and Paul Bronson’s conversation on We Need to Talk helps us understand that addiction to toxic relationships isn’t about poor choices or weakness—it’s about subconscious programming shaped by early experiences.
By bringing awareness to repetition compulsion, embracing discomfort with new, healthy patterns, and seeking support, we can break free from cycles that no longer serve us.
You deserve relationships that feel safe, loving, and nourishing—not just familiar. Healing is possible, and with each step forward, you create space for love that truly lasts.
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